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Jul 02nd
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Obama victory spurs more gun sales and paranoia

hayneMichael080311_optBY MICHAEL HAYNE

After the Kenyan Socialist secretly stole the election by apparently doling out gifts to college-aged sluts and brown people, the deranged and hysterically paranoid crackpots weren’t going to let O’Bummer get in the way of their of the gun-worshiping orgy.

Despite the fact that President Obama did not even brush up against gun control and lobbying for tighter regulations, and despite the fact that gun control was about as visible as climate change (we like to willingly kill ourselves and hate paying for things that actually help us), gun sales are soaring as the gun nuts aren’t to let President Obama take away their guns and force them to read. Not surprisingly, Wall Street manages to benefit.

Paranoia is a surefire investment, with stock in Smith & Wesson surging by 7.5 percent to $10.13. The tinfoil cap wearing army of doomsday morons seem to fear that some middle-aged ladies on the Supreme Court will collude with their Marxist overlord and eviscerate the second amendment. After all, for these walking Darwin Awards, it’s the Second Amendment and nine suggestions. There seems to be an enhanced fear that President Obama spent his first term not letting radical Republicans obstruct everything he did, but secretly buying his time in order to steal guns away from people with the introduction of tighter gun regulations, especially now since he doesn’t have to face reelection and has more of a mandate.

“I have purchased more since the election,” said Michael Hill, a resident of Watuga, Texas, according to the Star Telegram. Michael is among those believers of no concrete evidence actually being convulsive evidence. Adding, “I hear a lot of buzz about … putting more restrictions in place. There’s a lot of paranoia out there but [Obama] has nothing to lose now because he won’t be re-elected again."

Of course for those among us who don’t just breathe, eat and sleep Infowars.com, this perception is as baseless as it’s absurd.

“I personally think it’s very silly,” said Marsha McCartney, a spokeswoman for the Texas chapter of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence. “The president has not done anything in four years to make them think he’s coming to get their guns."

But that’s just elitist liberals trying to preach their communist teachings in order to give true patriots a false sense of security. Don’t tread on me!

Following a sharp rise in deadly gun attacks committed by mentally unstable citizens, President Obama is merely hoping to reign in on all the shoddy loopholes that allow such people from acquiring very deadly weapons. He has also indicated his desire for reinstating the Clinton era Assault Weapons Ban during on of the Presidential debates. This, of course, just gives added ammunition (now literally) to the doomsday paranoids that make up today’s Republican Party.

Michael Hayne is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire, who co-wrote an award-nominated comedy, wrote for NY Times Laugh Lines, guest-blogged for Joe Biden, and writes a column for MSNBC.com affiliated Cagle Media. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.


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Comments (3)
3 Thursday, 29 November 2012 09:34
Retired Army
Hayne, how about departing from the liberal nonsense and try facts. Obama has been a gun grabber since entering politics. But, what can we expect from a
Chicago politician? All Obama is waiting for is the opportunity as he has stated in the past. Maybe you should stop drinking the liberal tea of ignorance.
2 Wednesday, 28 November 2012 13:09
In one breath you say there are no plans to do anything to change the status quo regarding gun ownership and in another breath you say all that Obama has proposed is an "Assualt Weapons Ban". Do you see the contradiction?

In fact, Obama has indicated a desire to reimpose such a ban and Diane Feinstein is in the process of drafting such legislation. Many of the firearms covered under the terms of this proposed legislation include some of the most popular and best suited guns for hunting and self defense. I'll grant that it has little chance of passing, however, lets not pretend that those who cherrish their right to self defense and gun ownership have no cause for concern.

Also, it's unbecoming to belittle those who respectfully disagree with you. Not all of us are sporting the lastest in tin foil headwear.
1 Wednesday, 28 November 2012 12:09
Red State
Obama did little regarding firearms in his first term because it was politically impossible. If you actually look at his voting record and statements about guns you will easily see that he has never been the friend of the second amendment. Dig a little deeper Michael, there are reasons for concern.

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