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BY PAM LOBLEY
NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM
COMMENTARY
New Jersey legislators handed a small victory to gay marriage this week, but the odds are that a same sex marriage law will not pass in this state, as it has not passed it many other states. The people don't want it.
Why doesn't the general public support gay marriage? I don't get it. We all know gay people. Many of us are related to them. Can you look them in the eye and tell them they don't have the same rights as you do?
I never hear a solid reason for objecting to same sex marriage, except the tepid "let's not change the definition" of marriage, that marriage should be between one man and one woman. OK, folks, can we just say it out loud? Same sex marriage is weird! When we all grew up, only different sexed people got married. That's what we're used to. We don't want to rethink that. We like our marriage the way we've always had it.
But marriage has long since ceased to be the comfortable convention we took it for. The divorce rate is 50 percent. Either people marry ill advisedly, or they just can't make it work in the long haul. Marriage is a long, difficult journey involving money problems, health problems, in-laws, holidays, career decisions and disappointments, and if you have children, all the work, expense and disciplining that comes with that.There is also unremitting tedium. The dishwasher has to be unloaded every day. The car always breaks down when you can't afford it. She will always slurp her cereal. He will never put his laundry away. It's annoying.
Opponents of same sex marriage say that it is an "affront to natural law" and that traditional marriage has come "under assault." Well, marriage is definitely under assault, but not from the gay community. Marriage is under assault from crass TV shows like "Bridezilla" and "Real Housewives."
It is under assault from celebrity adulterers - there's a new one every week - who think nothing of fooling around on their gorgeous wives. It is under assault from the public who then look at these celebrity adulterers and say things like "Well, it's his own business," or "he's handling the fallout well." So ... if the straight guy wants to be an adulterer, he gets a pass, but the gay guy who wants to get married – we shut him down.
Are you kidding me?
As far as the definition of marriage being changed ... well, when Brad and Angelina can have 6 kids and stay unwed, all to the public's adoration, my friends, the definition of marriage has changed. When Madonna can grow her family of four kids with a mixture of different dads and adoptions, simultaneously divorcing a husband and adopting a child as if it's her birthright to use other humans to assemble her life, the definition of marriage has changed. When pre-nuptial agreements are more common than wedding favors, the definition of marriage has changed. And none of this has a thing to do with gay people.
In our culture marriage is trivialized, commercialized, and exploited. While many of us love our marriages, and hold the institution of marriage as very dear, much of our society today treats marriage with disdain and impatience. We don't revere it, we don't value it, we don't nurture it. Yet, when a gay wants to come near it, we tell them "Back off, baby, that's sacred." What a bunch of hypocrites.
I am planning on staying married for 50 years. I hope to have many married friends around me as I go, couples who are also working to support each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
I really don't care if these couples are gay or straight. I just want them to be happily married. I'd like to see marriage respected again, and same sex couples, having had to work so hard to achieve it, know quite well how truly valuable a marriage can be.
And now I need to go unload the dishwasher.
Pam Lobley is a columnist and co-author of the book "You Definitely Know You're a Mom When ..." To read her past columns or get contact information, visit her website: www.pamlobley.com.
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I get it - same-sex marriage can be a "weird" concept. Even I periodically struggle with calling my lovely partner "wife" - partially because it's new, largely because I don't know if others will respond with hostility. However, I can assure all your readers, I will stand by my wife, take care of her in sickness and health, pay more than my fair share of taxes (for being gay), be a good citizen and raise happy kids who have good morals and values. As for "nature" - my wife and I naturally complement each other's personalities, we split up life's chores equally and we support one another unconditionally. Being married is a very natural part of our lives.
As a married gay person, I admit - I DO HAVE AN AGENDA. I'd personally like to redefine marriage as a lifelong commitment between two adults who love each other. It should come with rights that protect a couple's future family and it should come with social responsibilities that apply to the married couple. Marriage, between any two loving adults, should be called marriage...it should be a binding contract - legally, socially, and religiously...and it should reclaim its place as an important institution in our society.
Maybe that's "weird" to some...but my marriage means everything to my wife and me. And, isn't that exactly what marriage should be?
Thanks for your article.
Without the end of "marriage" being children, then what we have is a glorified domestic partnership scheme. The aim and intent of domestic partnerships is economic, while the aim and intent of marriage is children. Abolish the institution, if we no longer value its time-honored purpose, and be done with it, because the economic and legal cost is not worth it.
Great post - thanks.
What? You're ridiculous.