newjerseynewsroom.com

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Question: " Our father recently died, and we want our mother to move in with my family. We don’t think she (82) should be alone. We’ve heard so much about older people becoming depressed when a spouse passes on. She refuses to move, and we are worried."

Answer: Living alone doesn’t mean a person is lonely. A person can still feel lonely even when living with others.

Aloneness has advantages and disadvantages. Your mother now has the freedom to enjoy activities and friends after putting her own life on hold for so many years when she cared for your father. So she can now do what she wants, when she wants to. And she doesn’t have to report to anyone if she wants to go out or feel guilty that she wants to have some fun.

The mother of a reader joined activities at a nearby senior center and made new friends. She enjoyed art exhibits, lunching and gossiping for the first time. So she was seldom “lonely.” Her story is available on our website www.sandwichgeneration.com, Information Store, Special Features section, title "After the Funeral." It’s a good read.

The disadvantage becomes apparent only if the elder becomes reclusive after being outgoing most of her life or loses weight because she isn’t eating properly. The lonely person might complain that no one cares about her. Actually this elder may not care about anyone else and has in reality isolated self from others.

One psychologist defines two types of loneliness: exterior and interior.

Exterior loneliness is temporary and can result from a sudden change in life’s scenario. Many caregivers feel lonely and isolated because of their caregiving responsibilities.

Interior loneliness is dangerous and can be permanent. A person “takes” this loneliness with him or her wherever he or she goes. A person can only change interior loneliness by changing his or her basic attitude toward everyday life, activities, family and friends.

Unfortunately, a truly lonely person often blames everyone else for the situation and refuses to take responsibility.

Question: "I am being bombarded on all sides from siblings and in-laws as to what I should be doing for my parents. They are basically healthy, but are unhappy people (70s). Looking back, they never seemed to be really happy. Now I am unhappy."

Answer: Happiness is an individual internal thing. So, if they never seemed really happy it is THEIR problem, not yours. Don’t make their problem yours. No one can make another person happy. Even creating a warm, friendly and loving environment probably will not make them happy. So leave your parents to their own unhappiness. It’s been their choice.