Learn to say 'no' to parents’ demands and find a support system

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Question: "We live in NYC, and my parents (mid 80s) are in California. They're getting frail and need help. They love where they live and don’t want to move. It’s a long way in between, and we worry. They’re too frail to make other arrangements themselves. Need help."

Answer: Long distance caregiving can be very stressful because of the “what if” factor. What if they fall? What if they don’t eat or take their medicine properly? What if they shouldn’t be driving? And thinking about “possibilities” from 3,000 miles away doesn’t help.

Tips include:

identifying areas in which they need help and find people to do specific chores
safety proofing their house
setting up a neighbor “alert” system so a neighbor or friend will call you in case of an emergency.

My system worked very well. Every time the ambulance came to the house my parents’ neighbor called me.

Local resources can be identified through their doctor and minister, the hospital discharge planner or social worker, the local yellow pages, and the area office on aging. Of course, referrals from families of your parents’ friends.

There is a series of narrowly geographically focused books called “New Lifestyles,” which include information on various living options from apartments, CCRCS, Alzheimer’s facilities, home care and more. Booklets are available by calling 1-800-869-9549 or going into their website www.newlifestyles.com.

Question: "My father, 78, is so demanding he’s driving us all (three daughters) nuts. My mother (who passed away recently) catered to him, and now he’s looking for us to replace her. He’s perfectly healthy and capable of taking care of himself, but doesn’t want to. He wants to live with myself, husband, and two teenagers."

Answer: The word “no” should free you. If he’s capable of taking care of himself, encourage him to remain independent. Undoubtedly he misses your mother and may need some help to get him through the grieving process.

With your other sisters, split up the chores he needs help with or hire someone to do laundry and house cleaning. If he has never cooked, you and your sisters can make batches of food (packaged in single serving portions) so he’ll eat properly.

My father made his own breakfast and lunch until he was 93. But he couldn’t cook dinner.

Your father initially may need help doing the grocery shopping. So help him develop a list and go with him the first few times to show him what to look for. My father had never even been in a supermarket until after he retired at age 69.

If your father is a social kind of person, encourage him to participate in programs at the local senior center, church, community college, or adult education programs.

It’s hard to develop a new life at that age, but it is doable. My own philosophy is that the less you do task wise for an aging parent, the better for everyone. However, much more emotional support is warranted.

The Sandwich Generation is reader interactive. Questions and comments are welcome. Contact Carol Abaya via her website www.sandwichgeneration.com or email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .