newjerseynewsroom.com

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Should you take a loved one from a nursing home to your home during Christmas? Probably not!

One reader wrote that her husband told her to leave her mother in the nursing home during the family Christmas party. The woman was extremely upset. She asked for my advice.

My advice: If you are the primary caregiver and the one who visits the nursing home on a regular basis, you need to spend time alone with your family — quality time. You need to share the holiday spirit and joy with your family. You do have a responsibility to yourself. And you certainly need to recharge your own batteries.

So, leave your mother (or sick father or spouse) in the nursing home during the holidays.

If a person is not feeling well or if the attention span is short and grumpiness develops, this can put a damper on everyone else's enjoyment.

Besides putting a damper on everyone else's spirits, an elder can be just as uncomfortable and unhappy. If the loved one is incontinent and has an accident embarrassment can be traumatic. The elderly are often very sensitive and don't want to spoil everyone else's enjoyment. Consequently they feel guilty about being a burden.

And if a person is easily confused, taking him or her out into a strange environment serves only to create more confusion. This is not good for the elder's well-being. New environments and change often make a person more confused, agitated and panicky.

If the relative is physically incapacitated, in a wheelchair or incontinent, experts say it is not wise to take the elder out of the nursing home.

There is a list of questions that need to be asked — and honestly answered.

• What is the physical condition of the elder? In a wheelchair?
• Can he or she easily get around on his/her own? Or is help needed
• to get from one place to another?
• Can your home (bathroom in particular) accommodate a wheelchair or a walker?
• Who will take care of the relative if he or she is incontinent?
• What is the relative's mental condition? Does he or she relate well or is he or she confused more of the time?
• How long a drive is it to the party? Any drive more than an hour can be too long, and planes and trains should not even be considered.

What should you do to share the holidays with elderly loved ones?

• Visit the loved one in the nursing home and encourage family members and friends to visit.
• Help the elder send holiday cards to family members and friends.
• Decorate the room for the holiday.
• If the nursing home has a party room, invite just a few family members to a lunch or dinner.
• Tape a video with messages from family members. Show it afterwards.

The Sandwich Generation is reader inter-active. Questions are welcome.
Contact Abaya via her web site www.sandwichgeneration.com or e-mail her at
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