Love is meaningful to the elderly

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Question: "My mother-in-law is dying of cancer. She had a fight with her daughter, who had come many miles to stay with her. Her daughter left in a huff. We have three teenagers. My mother-in-law refuses to hire someone to stay with her, even though she has the money. Should I have her at my house? I’m afraid of her dying at my house and the children seeing her dead."

Answer: While death is not something pleasant, it is something natural and at the end calm. Open caskets are common at funerals. Visitors look at, talk to, and pray over the person. There really isn’t anything to be afraid of.

Generally speaking, I think a person is best in her own home – with appropriate care, whether a family member or hired help. The sick person will be more comfortable and “in control” of her own life, such as it is.

Your husband has to give her an ultimatum. He will hire someone to take care of her in her own home -- she will pay -- OR she will be left alone. I know this sounds harsh. But sometimes adult children have to be hard nosed so that appropriate care is given. My mother would have fired everyone hired to take care of her. Finally I told her that she could not fire anyone because I hired the person. Then when there was a fight, I was able to sooth everyone down.

At the same time, there is a flip side to the coin. A sick/dying person may need to feel loved by being surrounded by family. It’s a tough call. But if death is imminent -- a week or two -- having her in your home can be bonding. BRING IN HOSPICE. THEY PROVIDE MARVELOUS EMOTIONAL AND TASK SUPPORT.

Regardless of where your mother-in-law ends up, you should hire someone to be there for her as much as possible. This will free you up to do your own work and chauffeur the children.

Hospice should be brought in, and Medicare WILL pay for a hospital bed, bedside commode, oxygen, medication, and more. Then when your mother-in-law passes away, the hospice nurse can sign the death certificate. Otherwise, the local police and medical examiner may have to become involved. (Each county is different.) This can be traumatic for the family during an already emotional time.

Question: "My mother, 80, had an operation, which has resulted in major other problems. She is still in the hospital, weeks after the operation. I was told by my mother’s Gyn that she did not recommend the procedure and advised my mother against it. Now I’m caught in the middle. Besides living 150 miles away, I have my own business and two teenagers. Should I have gotten involved early on?"

Answer: You can’t change what’s happened. From what you said it seems your mother is a very strong person, maybe even bordering on stubbornness. So it’s questionable as to whether you would have been able to stop the operation.

At the same time, advice to ALL sandwich Generationers: if a parent is scheduled to have an operation or any invasive medical procedure, be aggressive and pro-active. Speak to the doctors (primary and specialist). Make sure the procedure is really necessary. Active intervention IS warranted when health is involved! And make sure your mother has a Living Will designating you as her health care representative.

Do hire a health aide from a reliable agency when you mother returns home.

The Sandwich Generation is reader interactive. Questions are welcome from readers. Contact Carol Abaya via her website Thesandwichgeneraiton.com or via e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .