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BY CAROL ABAYA
NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM
THE SANDWICH GENERATION
Question: "My father, 72, had a stroke and can no longer drive, write checks and pay bills. My mother has always depended on him to 'lead the way.' Now they’re looking to my brother and myself to make every decision But when we do make a suggestion, they disregard it and say, 'You don’t know anything.' How can we handle this?"
Answer: You’re facing a complex, but typical elder care situation. Your parents apparently don’t trust themselves to make a decision, but still think of you as inexperienced “children.” They are also probably scared of aging, given your father’s stroke.
So, you can try two things.
Rather than make a single suggestion, ask them what they think they should do. If they say, “I don’t know”, then give them several options and discuss the results of each option. Guide them to a decision they feel they’ve made themselves.
Teach your mother to write checks and keep track of them and bills. It’ll help her self-esteem. Periodically, go over her checkbook and bills.
In reference to their lower self-esteem and confidence in making a decision, they need your emotional support. It’s called “role reversal.” You need to verbalize positives the same way you did when your own children were growing up. Use such words - appropriately of course - as: You’re special (and give a hug); great; neat; I knew you could do its fantastic; you’re on top of it; now you’ve got it; you’re on target; how smart; you’re beautiful/handsome; you’re sensational; what an imagination; you make me happy; you brighten my day; I love you and give them a big smile.
Question: "My parents (late 80s) want to drive cross country. Both have vision problems and don’t react well to change. Also, they seem to get confused fairly often. How can we stop this nonsense? We’re ready to take away the car keys."
Answer: Maybe to them, such travel isn’t nonsense, but a life long dream.
Before you yell at them, step back and pause. Don’t talk with them when your frustration is at such a high level. Think about your objective and how to calmly discuss this situation so that everyone is happy.
Arrange a family conference—with yourself, your two sisters, your parents, and even your 20-year-old son. Start the conversation by asking your parents “Why” they want to travel, what they expect to see, and how they plan to travel on very strange roads, make hotel reservations, etc.
