BY PAM LOBLEY

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

NOW THAT’S FUNNY

Women’s life expectancy rates are improving at a slower rate than men’s rates are, and in some parts of the U.S. they have actually declined.

The life expectancy for men throughout the U.S. ranges from about from 66.1 to 81.6 years.  Women’s expected span is from 73.5 to 86 years. The report, put out by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation, a health research center at the University of Washington, shows that different parts of the country are showing varying rates of decrease. Overall, in the years between 1989 and 2009, the average life span in the U.S. increased for men by 4.6 years, but only by 2.7 years for women.

This isn’t that surprising. I’ve known for quite some time that you people are trying to kill me.

You know who you are. You cause me all kinds of stress. And stress is a killer. It causes all kinds of wacky hormonal swings, it lowers your immune system, and it can change you from a perfectly rational human being into someone who might pull off into a parking lot and change her pants in the back of the minivan.

The experts can yammer on about how women are showing higher rates of obesity, tobacco and alcohol use, and that is what’s slowing our life spans. But that’s just a lot of talk. It’s nothing but stress, and it’s all your fault.

You can’t keep your face out of your smart phone.

You didn’t take my coupon.

You make that thick plastic packaging that I can’t even cut through with a pair of scissors to get the Lego toy out.

You cancelled “Friday Night Lights."

You won’t eat the last bit of cereal from the box because the last parts are too “dusty."

When I tell you to hang up your clothes, you just put them in the hamper.

One of you likes peanut butter with jelly, one likes it with Fluff, and one will only eat cold cuts.

You make way too many "bromance" movies.

You want your news for free over the Internet, thus writers can’t get paid.

You made those awful swirly light bulbs.

You tell me you’re stuffed at dinner after eating just a few bites of salmon and lima beans, but an hour later you want two bowls of cereal and a banana.

You listen to annoying radio stations.

You don’t want to go to sleep at night, and you don’t want to wake up in the morning.

You park exactly opposite my driveway, making backing out a nightmare.

You are on a TV talent show, singing classic rock in your grating head-voice.

You insist I haven’t met my deductible.

You design and manufacture low-rise jeans, which are so wrong. Pants need to come up higher than the fat roll and then button up nice and tight to keep that tee shirt in place.

The study points out that most of the things that are causing us women to lag in life expectancy gains are simply poor lifestyle choices. As Ali Mokdad, the director of the research team doing the study, says “So much of this can be corrected. We need to do a better job educating people about lifestyle and getting good health care.”

No, we don’t!  Is there a single U.S. citizen over the age of 15 that doesn’t know she should not smoke, that she should get regular exercise, and that eating too much and being overweight is bad for you? Believe me, we’ve heard the message!

We’re just too stressed out to obey the message. In fact, you are stressing me out by continuing to repeat the message!

I’m not at all amazed that women’s life expectancy rates have slowed down. We’ve had enough.

Pam Lobley writes the “Now That’s Funny” column.  Follow her on twitter @plobley.

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