BY PAM LOBLEY
NOW THAT'S FUNNY
For the sixth time in 18 months, a black bear has been caught in suburbia, tranquilized, and returned to the wild. Officials have been following his progress through a tag number, 6131, said Kim Tinnes, of the state Division of Fish and Wildlife.
A little “wildlife” is just what this bear is looking for. Officials speculate that the bear is just looking for a female. He wants to find love and settle down, and perhaps the gals back on the preserve just aren’t interested in him. Ms. Tinnes maintains that bears live to breed, and he’ll keep looking until he finds a female.
Maybe the bear should try the Jersey shore. From what I see on TV, a big hairy beast can get lucky with all kinds of females down there.
The bear’s most recent capture was in East Brunswick. He had climbed a tree and had to be shot with a tranquilizing dart. He slumped over and slipped into a net that was set below. He will be released into a state preserve, as he has been in all the previous captures.
The bear had been tracked through the area since Monday. In previous incidents he’s been seen in South Brunswick, Somerville, Hightstown, Forsgate Country Club in Monroe Township, and Parsippany. I think the guy just likes to get around. He’s bored in the wild. As they say, how are you going to keep him down on the preserve, after he’s seen Parsippany?
During his recent visit to East Brunswick, he never acted aggressively towards people or pets. He just wandered around.
Of course, he was seen stopping in front of some store windows, checking to see if his fur made him look fat. He smelled his armpits and his breath. He tried humming a few Barry White songs, but no hot babe bears appeared.
I have a theory, which is that he is not just looking for any female. He fell in love with a fancy, high-toned suburban lady bear. A bear who knows her way around corporate office parks and country clubs. A bear who knows how to dig through the trash at a swell seafood restaurant. He has a dream, and he will not be satisfied with less. He will remain steadfast in his search, risking dart guns, police squads, and terrified neighbors, until he wins his true love.
Well, it worked for my husband.
Pam Lobley writes the “Now That’s Funny” column. Sign up for her mailing list at www.pamlobley.com.
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