Coming out of the closet: I’m a mess

BY PAM LOBLEY

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

NOW THAT'S FUNNY

If your New Year's resolutions don't have to do with losing weight, they probably have to do with getting more organized. There's nothing like the clutter of the holidays to make you want to pare down.

Everybody wants to be organized. It shows that you're disciplined, that you favor cleanliness, that you are a clear thinker. Being able to throw stuff away demonstrates that you are emotionally healthy.

I am pretty good at throwing stuff away, or at the very least, giving it away. (Anybody want two pairs of boys' jeans, size 10? How about a few hardcover books? A globe?) But no matter how much I throw away, I still have too much stuff. There isn't a label-maker or a stacking bin that can compete with the amount of crap that makes it through my front door each day.

Clutter results from delayed decision making. Your son brings home a large papier mache Gargoyle from school. He is so proud of it. It sits in the dining room for a few days because you don't know where to put it. You plan to throw it out when he's not looking, but then he says "Mom, don't throw that Gargoyle out. I want to keep it."

You can't decide: throw out the Gargoyle and break your son's heart? Let him keep it in his room where it will collect dust and constantly be in the way?

Gargoyle goes to the attic. Attic is already too crowded, but you're too busy to think about that now, because your other son just started with that cough, so now you need to get out the nebulizer. Where should you keep it when he's not using it three times a day? How about in the middle of the sofa?

It's not that I have delayed decision making: I have an overload of decision making. My family is like a conveyor belt that steadily brings things to me, and I can't possibly keep up with all that decision making. I have become like Lucy and Ethel from that old "I Love Lucy" episode when they work at the candy factory, desperately stuffing the chocolate anywhere it will fit.

There is a whole movement now to have less stuff. There's the 100 Things project, where people try to limit themselves to 100 possessions. There are all those TV shows where organization experts lead teary hoarders to throw away their old prom dresses. It all comes back to the idea that too much stuff means you are emotionally weak. You can't let go.

But I let go all the time. I am constantly cleaning. I throw out, redistribute, repurpose, and put away. My house looks great for a day. There is a place for everything and everything is in its place. It is a calming, superior feeling.

Then my husband comes home with the decorations for the Cub Scout Blue and Gold Dinner. And he needs to make a few posters. And he bought a couple of pairs of jeans at the Gap. And he picked up a bottle of Chardonnay.

Well, at least I know what to do with that.

Pam Lobley writes the "Now That's Funny" column. Sign up for her mailing list at pamlobley.com.