Graeme McDowell’s victory produced a lingering image

BY SUSIE WILSON

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

SEX MATTERS

I've been cautioned not to mention Fathers' Day, because it has come and gone and online readers have notoriously short memories. But I have a lingering image from the day: the huge embrace bestowed on Graeme McDowell by his father, Kenny, moments after he clinched his U.S. Open victory.

I'm so used to seeing the male victor's wife and small children rush to greet him that I was momentarily shocked to see the role filled by a paterfamilias who had flown from Ulster, Ireland, to be with his son for the tournament. I thought to myself, "How perfect that a father is embracing his son in front of millions of TV viewers on Father's Day."

"Happiness. There is nothing I would want after this," Kenny said of the moment.

It was heartening to see this display of affection and commitment at a time when we hear often about fathers who fail to show up and be part of their children's lives. It reminded me of President Obama's moving words about fathers in a PARADE article shortly before his inauguration.

"We need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes a you a man is not the ability to have a child, but the courage to raise one."

If every man truly understood these perceptive words, perhaps we would not lead the developed world in the rates of teen and unplanned pregnancy.

I checked out President Obama's Father's Day proclamation for 2010 and found some more insightful words: "The journey of fatherhood is both exhilarating and humbling — it is an opportunity to model who we want our sons and daughters to become, and to build the foundation upon which they can achieve their dreams."

The young and often older men who impregnate teen girls and leave them to raise their babies alone cannot, in most cases, "build a foundation" for their children, many of whom are born into poverty.

Other images from Father's Day linger: the barrage of Viagra and Cialis ads that appeared during televised sporting events. I guess the drug makers wanted to give fathers and heterosexual male viewers the gift of what I call "the 3Ps": pleasure, performance, and procreation.

Every other ad promoted the drugs as a cure for "erectile dysfunction." They showed handsome men and lovely women of indeterminate ages interrupting the normal conduct of their lives to have sex. I was relieved when a voiceover said, "When you and your partner are ready..." It's heartening to know that pharmaceutical companies think women do have a say in matters of desire.

The most unforgettable ad for me was the one with a man and woman — presumably after he's taken Viagra — sitting in separate bathtubs, holding hands, and gazing into the sunset.

Viagra and Cialis have become household names. I recently had lunch with a distinguished older woman in her late eighties who is concerned about overpopulation and interested in promoting contraception and family planning. I mentioned the need to promote condoms on national TV, and she responded, "Oh, yes, like Viagra."

It struck me as ironic that on the Friday before Father's Day, the FDA refused to license for distribution what the media dubbed "a female Viagra" to attempt to ameliorate "female sexual dysfunction" and "restore a depressed female sex drive."

The FDA cited safety concerns about the drug's many side effects.

I liked what researcher and psychologist Leonore Tiefer — who's studied female sexual desire for more than a decade and testified before the FDA panel — had to say on the subject: "Women's sex lives are often a struggle, a disappointment, an archipelago of regret. ... The much larger group of women without any medical reason for their sexual distress will inevitably be misinformed and misled into thinking that there is a pill that can get them the sex life they read about, the one that they think everyone else is having."

Another perspective about the drug came from Dr. Roshini Raj on The Today Show. She suggested that if husbands or partners wanted to increase their female partner's sex drive, they might consider showing them a little more tenderness. The reporter who was interviewing her chimed in with, "like doing the laundry." Sharing household chores might work for some, but more empathy, affection, and deeper intimacy might work for more women. After all, women can be just as sexual for sex's sake as men, but they may need a different approach than sitting in individual bathtubs.

Discussing the joy of the intimacy that binds the McDowells of Ireland may be a good place to begin. Now it's off to celebrate the next holiday on the docket: our National Birthday, the 4th of July. Be prepared to dress in red, white, and blue — and if you're watching sporting events, be prepared for a lot of Viagra and Cialis ads too.

Susie Wilson, former executive coordinator of the Network for Family Life Education at Rutgers University's Center for Applied and Professional Psychology (now renamed Answer), is a national leader in the fight for effective sexuality and HIV/AIDS education and for prevention of adolescent pregnancy. She can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it