newjerseynewsroom.com

BY BOB HOLT

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

COMMENTARY

The Christmas season has always been a magical time in New Jersey. And when I say magic, I mean it would take the resurrection of Houdini to pay off most people’s credit cards in January.

Be that as it may, decorations are up all over this Christmas. And as Christmas draws nearer, on most nights the solitude is only broken by the sound of Governor Christie’s latest helicopter ride.

That’s because all of the noise remained at our local malls. Shopping in the vicinity of the Deptford Mall represents the strength, endurance, and marathon competitions of the South Jersey Winter Olympics. The Best Buy store is always a good option for your shopping needs, especially if you’ve just purchased the new Stephen King novel and want to finish it before you exit the parking lot.

Meanwhile, Toys 'R Us, the demon spawn of the evil Fisher-Price corporation, remains the 11:59 P.M. hangout of many a frazzled, caffeine-fueled parent in search of Bob the Builder toys containing 35,137 parts which could not be put together by Bob himself.

This year I hit my Christmas shopping breaking point near the mall display where the children visit Santa. I sat down to rest, laid my head back for a second, and was joined by Santa himself.

“Union rules,” the big elf told me. “Sweeney made sure I get a break every 300 kids.”

“You’ve been writing some pretty ugly stuff about South Jersey in your stupid story,” Santa complained. “I think it’s time to take you on a trip to Christmas past, present, and future.”

“Isn’t some ghost supposed to do that with fancy special effects and everything?” I asked him.

“This is South Jersey, you idiot. Hermie took one of three elf buyouts so he could enroll in the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey, and Rudolph got laid off in the budget cuts because his nose didn’t fit the new light bulb regulations. Now all we’ve got leading the damn sleigh is Blitzen and a penlight flashlight.”

Instead of taking the sleigh, we hitched a ride on a passing Governor Christie helicopter to the AMC Cineplex to watch films of Christmas past, present, and future.

“Over here is the good children’s list,” Santa explained, looking at Christmas past. “Years ago it used to be longer than the Obama health care plan. Over there is Frosty the Snowman puffing away on that corncob pipe and wearing a nicotine patch.”

“In Christmas today, Frosty is being pepper sprayed by a Transportation Security Administration screener because he only paused for a moment when he heard the guy holler, 'Stop!' Then they confiscated that old silk hat of Frosty’s to find out just what kind of magic must have been in it.”

A look at Christmas future saw President Chris Christie in the White House laughing and watching a screening of “It’s a Wonderful Life” with a group of Washington DC school teachers. I screamed at the image.