Yes, it's that time again. Time for a fresh start. This year has not been a great year for me. I've made some mistakes. I've done some things I'm not proud of. I really need to do better in 2010, and I'm serious about this, so let me now go on the record with some resolutions I plan to keep.
First, I am not going to pretend to put my son in a flying balloon while he's really hiding in the attic. That was a bad idea, and I do feel embarrassed about it. I just wanted to get my own reality show, because the money is so good, but that was the wrong way to go about it.
Second, I'm not going to sneak into any more White House parties. It was fun, sure, and even more fun to brag about it. I realize now that it was just crass and, ultimately, pathetic. I just wanted to get on a reality show, because being famous is so important to me, but that was the wrong way to go about it.Third, if I do fall off the wagon and sneak into another White House party, I am not going to use the same hairdresser. I spent seven hours and hundreds of dollars getting ready, and frankly, my hair has looked better after a long nap and quick finger comb.
Fourth, if I decide to retire from my late night talk show, I'm not going to immediately turn around and have some "new" show in a Prime Time slot.
Fifth, I'm going to get a job with the SEC. Those guys have it so easy! They don't do anything!
Sixth, I'm going to stop fooling around with bimbos, porn stars, hookers and employees much younger than myself. This will be a hard one, because you know, all those porn stars, hookers and younger employees are so HOT, and I'm so weak, but I'm going to give it a try.
Seventh, if I do fall off the wagon and have a cheap affair, I'm not going to Twitter about it. This will be a hard one, because tweeting about your cheap affairs makes you feel so powerful. Also, it could get me a reality show, which would probably give me the opportunity to have even more affairs, but I realize of course, that that's not the right way to go about it.
Eighth, I'm going to stop denying that I'm enriching uranium. I'm enriching it, OK? Whatcha gonna do about it?
Ninth, I'm going to pay back all the TARP money I borrowed so I can give myself a kick ass bonus.
Tenth, I'm going to stop trying to close Guantanamo Bay. First everybody wanted it closed, now they don't want it closed because it opens up a new bunch of problems. I can't deal with it.
Last, I'm going to lower New Jersey's property taxes, improve the schools and close the $13 billion budget gap. Now THAT should get me a reality show.
Happy New Year!
Pam Lobley is a columnist and co-author of the book "You Definitely Know You're a Mom When ..." To read her past columns or get contact information, visit her website: www.pamlobley.com.
ALSO BY PAM LOBLEY