newjerseynewsroom.com

BY PAM LOBLEY

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

NOW THAT'S FUNNY

Gals, have you heard? There's a new drug that may increase your sexual appetite and enjoyment. A German drug giant was testing this drug, flibanserin, for depression. It was ineffective as an anti-depressant, but seemed to improve women's libido. The company is trying to get the FDA to approve it.

It's like Viagra, but for us. Whaddya say about that?

I say no thanks. I don't need the pressure. I'm under enough pressure. I'm already supposed to look fabulous (fifty is the new forty!), and keep a perfect house, and cook like the Barefoot Contessa, and have healthy, well-rounded children that are working hard to keep this country green. Stick it.

I am perfectly happy with my sex life. I have no idea if I'm having more sex, better sex, or crummy sex compared to anyone else my age. I don't know if I'm "normal". I don't care. If I'm happy with my sex life, then that's all I need to know, and that little pill can just butt out.

It's not that women don't want to have sex, it's that our To Do list is so long, and sex is far down on the list. Just move sex to the top of the list, you say? Not going to happen. This is because we live in an over-achieving, super-anxious world in which falling behind is worse than having a lousy sex life.

Our kids need to be driven all over the place to get to tutors, ball games, and music lessons. They have orthodontic appointments and playdates and just when you thought it was safe to relax — their feet grew and they need new sneakers right away.

Our houses are filled with clutter and paperwork that needs to be sorted through. The dust and pollen needs to be vacuumed up because we all have allergies now. We spend two hours every week on the phone with insurance agents arguing over medical bills. We need to cook our families healthy meals that don't have fructose or transfats. And now that it is sandal season; we all need pedicures. When it gets to the point where a pedicure is something you've got to cram into your schedule, instead of a fun way to treat yourself, things are pretty overwrought.

I don't care how many pills you invent, as long the culture in which we live prioritizes outward success and visible achievement, we will never be able to relax into regular good sex lives. Those Viagra commercials just annoy me ... all the couples are beautifully groomed and fit, clearly financially well off, and in the middle of some upper class activity like washing off some fresh herbs in their high end kitchen or hosing down their Lexus, when the thought occurs to them that they could have some sex.

It's as if they're saying, "Well, we're finally millionaires. It's safe to fool around."

The advertisers even go so far as to tout that the drug will work "when you're ready." In other words, the drug will wait until you've tidying up the living room, balanced the checkbook and had that pedicure. How passionate.

Remember the movie "Bull Durham?" Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon just shoved the messy dishes aside and got busy on the kitchen table. Where's the commercial that shows that attitude? Instead, we've got a couple holding hands in SEPARATE bathtubs. Separate bathtubs ... yeah, that's always been my fantasy.

So far the FDA says the side effects of flibanserin outweigh the benefits and it has not moved closer to approval. That's OK. We can just rent "Bull Durham" instead.

Pam Lobley writes the "Now That's Funny" column. Sign up for her mailing list at www.pamlobley.com.