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BY SUSIE WILSON
NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM
SEX MATTERS
Dear Dana Jennings,
A friend sent me your column "After Surviving Cancer, a Focus on True Manhood," from your The New York Times' Well blog. I left a short comment after reading it, to tell you how much it affected me. I admire your willingness to share your feelings about your erectile dysfunction, caused by "a radical open prostatectomy, radiation, and hormone therapy for Stage 3 prostate cancer," and I decided to write you this postscript. Readers should know that you are 52-years-old.
I have been a sexuality educator for 30 years and have recently morphed into a writer. I know it may seem unbelievable, but in my many years as an educator – during which I read many curricula, attended countless workshops, and heard innumerable speeches on the subject – I have never read more eloquent words than yours on the meaning of intimacy and what it takes to be a man. Bravo. You have a healthy approach to human sexuality, conveyed by your statement "we are sexual creatures," and I applaud your effort to "reclaim" that part of yourself and become a fully functional sexual person.
I was particularly drawn to your column because of your apt description of our "oversexualized" society. You write, "We founder in a mere surface culture of smirk, snark, and innuendo. The greedy objectification of the body – in both women and men – accelerates, speeding so fast that the objections can't even be heard over the roar of the mass media."You then take your observations one step further, writing: "We are told to worship washboard abs and Everest biceps, improbably perky breasts and buns of titanium. It sometimes seems that every image spewed forth by the electronic media resonates with just one unsubtle subtext: sex."
My feelings exactly. In fact, just before sitting down to write this, I turned on the TV hoping to catch a glimpse of an Olympic ski race, but instead found myself watching an ad promoting "Sears' Sexy Sales!" And on it goes, suffusing daily living with the drumbeat of sex, 24/7.
Without self-pity, you ask where a 52-year-old man with erectile dysfunction belongs in this type of culture. My answer is: on the outskirts, and, as you write, at the mercy of "biophysical mechanics, Levitra and Viagra and Cialis, penile injection, and pumps." You talk about the negative effects such ads and aids have on men's self-esteem, but I wonder about their effect on younger men. Do they think that four-hour erections are the norm, and that they need to take these pills the first couple of times they have sex? That's certainly an unnatural and potentially dangerous model.
You write that despite the erectile dysfunction, "I feel that the life my wife, Deb, and I lead is more intimate that ever." You wrote that your combined struggle against cancer added up to "an intimacy beyond words." This took my breath away.
Intimacy is the most difficult topic for educators and parents to talk about with young people. Most schools don't even venture down its path, because people and the culture at large do not know how exactly to define it. But it's not about the sex act. As you beautifully write, "True intimacy isn't about the hydraulics of the flesh. It's the smell of a certain shampoo in the hair, a passing touch in the kitchen, the taste of cold blueberry soup on a hot summer day, the gentle nostalgia of "Aja" by Steely Dan, and your heart melting at the sight of your wife of 28 years sound asleep after midnight."
If only our teens learned to see intimacy – not just "hooking up" on Saturday night – as the ultimate goal of sex and sexuality.
Teachers should use your latest column in their sex ed classes; counselors should share it with their patients; people who work in the health professions should share it with those they treat; and parents should share it with their teen children. Your column has the potential to change our attitudes about sex and sexuality.
You write that you are "blessed with two fine sons." They are blessed to have a father like you to give them such fine values and an understanding about the true purpose of human sexuality, intimacy, and manhood.
Best wishes for a complete recovery.
Sincerely,
Susie Wilson
Susie Wilson, former executive coordinator of the Network for Family Life Education at Rutgers University's Center for Applied and Professional Psychology (now renamed Answer), is a national leader in the fight for effective sexuality and HIV/AIDS education and for prevention of adolescent pregnancy. She can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .
