To Rick Santorum, the anti-Mitt Romney: Thanks for the laughs

BY MICHAEL HAYNE

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

COMMENTARY

Walking Google Problem and Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum appears to have finally seen the light, as he officially suspended (or dare I say “aborted”) his nascent presidential campaign earlier this afternoon, thus essentially securing the nomination for Mitt Romney. Perhaps finally realizing he was running for president in the 21st and not the 18th century, the seemingly indefatigable religious zealot did the modern world a great favor. It should be noted that Mr. Santorum did not officially throw his support behind Romney yet, suggesting there’s still bad blood between the two former arch rivals.

“We made a decision over the weekend that this presidential race is over for me,” he said at a press conference in Pennsylvania earlier today. “We will suspend our campaign effective today.”

Despite lacking a strong campaign apparatus, war chest, and the vast supply of porous SuperPac cash to stay competitive with Mitt ‘Moneybags’ Romney, Rick Santorum managed to win several key primaries. Although anyone who could do basic math declared this race in the hands of Romney after recent victories gave him an insuperable lead, it appears that corporations BFF has just locked the nomination. Nevertheless, both Newt Gingrich and Ron, although have a greater shot of becoming the next pope than winning the Republican nomination, are deluding themselves into thinking they stand a chance, vowing to fight until the GOP convention this summer. In fact, Gingrich has even asked Rick Santorum to endorse him.

The Paul campaign reaffirmed its noble but ultimately fruitless message to alter the Republican Party’s image and remain in the race so as to prevent a Romney win.

“Congratulations to Senator Santorum on running such a spirited campaign," said Dr. Paul’s campaign chairman, Jesse Benton, in a statement. "Dr. Paul is now the last – and real – conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. We plan to continue running hard, secure delegates, and press the fight for limited, constitutional government in Tampa.” (Source: Business Insider)

Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich notwithstanding, the former Pennsylvania Senator certainly provided us with enough memories to keep us laughing for years to come. From defended his support for Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell by arguing that gay soldiers would disrupt the military because “they’re in close quarters” with straight service members; to labeling President Obama a “snob” for urging kids to get educated; and to saying some ridiculously absurd things about gays and minorities (calling them “blah” people). In sum, Mr. Sanoturm can certainly look forward to the opportunity of unelectable cabinet-level positions should Romney go on to secure nomination (he will) and defeat President Obama. Secretary of State of Fictional Reality, perhaps?

Michael Hayne is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook.