newjerseynewsroom.com

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Question:  My mother, 71, gets very confused for a short period of time and then is fine.  However, these incidents are more frequent, about once a month.  The doctor says he can’t find anything wrong.  She lives alone, so we are worried.

Answer:  You should be worried!  Your mother is still young and such confusion episodes can be a trigger for a serious illness.  The confusion might be triggered by mini-strokes (TIA’s.) and often brain damage is not picked up in the regular testing process.  My father had many over the years, and the tests only showed brain damage when he was in his late 80s and 90s.

Find the best neurologist in your area and ask him about adult onset epilepsy.  Adult epilepsy is on the rise, and many regular doctors are not familiar with this. It can be treated successfully.  Left untreated, the person might not be able to live independently, and certainly, quality of life deteriorates, often quickly.

One reason doctors often miss a diagnosis is that symptoms may be vague.  Often people don’t remember having a seizure, and family members are, therefore, perplexed.  Symptoms include strange feelings, memory blanks, subtle behavior changes, staring, temporary confusion, and an unaccountable loss of time.

Question:  My father, 78, recently had heart surgery and recovered physically quite well.  Emotionally he is a basket case and lashes out at everyone for no reason.  He is often depressed and has become paranoid about meaningless things.  My mother and I are stressed out, and our doctor is recommending an antidepressant for us.  I don’t want to have to take drugs in order to deal with my father.

Answer:  I’m with you in relation to drugs.  You need to understand what your father is going through emotionally.  Often people become defensive because they are really afraid of what is happening to them.  They try to hide their feelings by putting blame on others and lashing out.

Elders who are resentful about their declining health and capabilities sometimes seek revenge.  Revenge is a strange word in this scenario.  But the elder can be verbally abusive in order to put someone else (your mother and yourself) down so he can feel better about self.

Your father  may also be feeling helpless (to make himself truly well) and hopeless.  A person suffering from chronic hopelessness may complain all the time or act indifferent to family members.

You need to sit down with your father, mother and any siblings and let your father know how his attitude and behavior is negatively impacting your mother and the rest of the family.  Openly discuss your concerns and try to get your father to talk about his feelings.  Then appropriate changes can be made.

If his behavior doesn’t change, you just have to ignore his complaints, and don’t take his lashing out personally.  Walk out of the room or house, whenever he starts a tirade.  OR getting professional emotional help may be warranted.

The Sandwich Genration is reader  interactive.  Questions from readers are welcome.  Contact Abaya via her web site sandwichgeneraiton.com or e-mail  This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it