Egos can override reason in lavish funerals

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

The Sandwich Generation

Question: "My father-in-law (76) recently died. My wife insisted on a lavish funeral that ended up costing $18,000. My father-in-law did not have much to begin with. Our daughter will be going to college next year, and I think the money could have been better spent on her, the living. We’re having a battle about this as my wife says we 'owed' it to him to do the best."

Answer: Your wife subconsciously is “saying” she wants friends and other family members to think well of her. All too often more money is spent on funerals than families can comfortably afford.

I’m with you. I think $18,000 is an awful lot to spend on a funeral, especially of someone with modest assets. I recently heard of one family who spent $20,000 even though they were left with several hundred thousand in debts.

Very nice funerals can be done for a lot less.

For both my parents we had moderately priced caskets (my mother picked them out), a short viewing, two limos to take the immediate family from the house to the temple to the cemetery and back to the house, and a catered lunch afterwards for around $9,000. The tombstone was another couple thousand.

I recently read that outside of purchasing a house and car, funerals are the third most expensive purchase families make. So, you should shop around because a lot of extras are not really necessary. And be sure to carefully review the bill before you pay. The funeral home we used double billed for the limo. Fortunately, I caught it. And, carved in stone, don’t pay ahead of time or on the day of the funeral when you’re emotionally charged up.

Question: "We’re having a family battle over what goes on my mother’s tombstone. Everyone but me wants the traditional scroll designs, which, to me, don’t say anything about the person. My mother loved to knit, and I want to put knitting needles and yarn on the stone. Help!"

Answer: What a marvelously creative idea!

I was faced with the same situation when my father died. My father was “famous” for his vegetable garden. So, the tombstone company designed vegetables and they are on his side of the stone. For my mother’s side, I wanted houses, because she was in real estate for almost 70 years. The design wasn’t good; so my mother decided on the flowers.

If a tombstone can tell others something about the person, it’s a great legacy Whenever I look at the vegetables, I remember his marvelously tasting tomatoes. It’s a continued sharing and remembrance of the good times.

The Sandwich Generation is reader interactive. Contact Carol Abaya through her website www.sandwichgeneration.com or via e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .