newjerseynewsroom.com

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Question: "I am 80 years old, in good health and live in my own home of 40 years. I have three children. Two live within 25 miles, and the third lives 200 miles away. They all say I should not live alone and are pressuring me to sell the house and move in with one of them. They are fighting among themselves as to where I should live because I have some money. I don’t want to sell the house or live with any one of them. I’m getting worn out trying to protect myself."

Question: "My mother, 84, lives in a senior apartment three blocks from me. She is very active in the community. I have Power of Attorney for her, and my daughter is the alternate. I help my mother with some of her finances, but she handles everyday bills. My brother, an accountant, lives 1,000 miles away, but feels he should have the POA because he’s a man and an accountant.Now he’s threatening to go to court to get guardianship of my mother."

Question: "My mother, 80, lives in a retirement community, which requires a $2,000 a month fee. Five years ago, she had to “buy in” for $175,000. She does have the income to pay her expenses, with some money even left over. She is becoming confused, but only sometimes Other times she is very alert. The community has various levels of care, so she is well taken care of. My eldest sister, however, is very greedy and wants my mother to live with herself, husband and two teenagers. My mother is upset and getting more confused from my sister’s pressure and my sister saying terrible things about the retirement community."

Answer: These are only three examples where voluntary mediation can help solve family squabbles and protect the elder and truly caring children. Mediation is a relatively new tool so families don’t end up in court, which results in thousands of dollars in legal fees and unmeasurable emotional trauma. Mediation can help improve relationships, solve difficult issues, and/or prevent misunderstandings from happening in the first place.

Open communication is the key. All parties are at the table at the same time. Everyone is able to openly discuss concerns and feelings. Family members are able to better understand the elder’s concerns and, more importantly, desires. Families are able to zero in on the elder’s true needs and enable the elder to better control her/his own life. The elder’s emotional needs and chore support can be provided, with everyone helping out when needed.

A mediator is a neutral third-party who has no relationship with the family members who are in disagreement. The mediator brings the disputing parties together and has them talk to each other. The mediator’s role is to negotiate a resolution to the problem, and the goal is to produce a written agreement that all parties can abide by.

The Sandwich Generation is reader interactive. Questions are welcome. Contact Carol Abaya through her web site www.sandwichgeneration.com or via e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .