Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Edwards and intimacy in America

BY SUSIE WILSON

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM

SEX MATTERS

A wise woman I know once said about sex: “It can warm you, or it can burn your house down.”

Seems to me lately that sex (and “sexting”) have been burning down a number of houses: Representative Anthony Weiner’s (although he might be able pull it out of the ashes after a leave of absence and stay at an undisclosed rehabilitation center), former VP-candidate John Edwards’ house, and former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s house.

The latter two have lost their houses because of their extramarital affairs; in Weiner’s case, he proffered sexually salacious invitations and shared raunchy pictures over the Internet with young women other than his new wife.

Sex is certainly burning these politicians’ houses down.

Knowing my line of work as a sex educator, people have asked me why Weiner would put his marriage to a lovely, gifted woman – and his political career – on the line by “sexting” pictures of his private parts to women he’s never met. They also ask why Edwards would betray his wife, who was struggling with breast cancer, by having an affair with and impregnating a videographer who called him “hot.” Why would Schwarzenegger have unprotected sex and impregnate his housekeeper while married with children?

An easy answer might be that some heterosexual men are simply sexual dogs or brutes, and their sexual urges overcome any good sense they might possess. Some place blame on the aphrodisiac of power, risk taking, or narcissism . Some blame it on the anonymity of the Internet, which allows salacious talk without consequences (unless your Twitter feed is being monitored by conservative bloggers).

Others might blame the sexual revolution of the sixties, the contradictions between our religion-driven repressive, prurient views about sexuality and our willingness to use sex to sell products. The phenomenon of “hooking up,” which is now commonplace, might also get a vote.

Everyone might be right to some extent, as there are no easy answers. Yet I’m going to climb out on a limb and say that an important reason men burn down their houses through unacceptable sexual behavior is because in our highly sexualized society, intimacy is almost entirely gone.

Our culture puts relentless emphasis on the physical act of sex. We do not tie the physical act to feelings and values. We treat sexuality in a most superficial manner, and we focus relentlessly on male pleasure. Why would Weiner suggest to a Las Vegas blackjack dealer that they have sex “with me behind” so they “can both watch The Daily Show” if he wasn’t just focused on the physical act of sex?

Or take a look at these recent magazine cover lines: “Easy Steps to a Lean Sexy Belly,” “Slim, Sexy Body,” “Better Sex Tonight!” and “75 Sex Moves Men Crave: Guys Confess Naughty Desires They Never Had the Balls to Tell Their Exes.” The focus is relentlessly on the physical. The idea that sex might be coupled with affection, family ties, love, vows, mutual pleasure, and intimacy doesn’t get much attention in the media or elsewhere.

Perhaps it’s because intimacy is hard to explain and discuss. Perhaps it’s because it is abstract and not concrete. It rarely, if ever, is discussed in sex education classes – and if you were to ask a person on the street for a simple definition, he or she might find it hard to come up with one.

I sense intimacy when someone in a long marriage or partnership says, “She (or he) is my best friend.” Intimacy takes time to develop, and you can’t expect it to happen overnight or spring full-blown after just a few months or even years of living with someone. It is tied to the ups and downs, successes and failures of everyday life, and it requires understanding, compromise, deep affection, and patience.

Of course, emotional intimacy can heighten sex and make it more pleasurable, although it might take time in a relationship to achieve this goal. Our lives in America run at such warp speed that many of us don’t slow down long enough to smell the flowers and talk to each other about what makes sex pleasurable and, yes, even exciting for us. Most young people completely miss this aspect of sexuality because they rarely see it on TV, and even more rarely discuss it in sex education classes or with their parents.

If Schwarzenegger, Edwards, or Weiner understood the true meaning of intimacy and tried to find it in their marriages, would they have so easily betrayed their wives or their marriage vows?

I realize I will never know.

But what I do know is that if we are going to pull anything valuable out of the ashes of these sordid affairs – and not be condemned to watching other politicians repeat them over and over again – we need to begin to talk with one another and our older teens about the differences between superficial sex and intimate sex, as challenging as that may be.

We might say that intimacy does not arrive in the blink of an eye, and a relationship of three months – often the length cited by teens as the appropriate “waiting time” before having sex – does not really qualify as long enough to wait before starting a sexual relationship.

We can try to explain why the media is so fixated on the superficial kind of sex – it sells products – and where we can turn to find the serious, beautiful side of this part of our nature. As I write, I think of couples like the Obamas and recently married Prince William and Kate, who waited eight years before getting married. They seem respectful of each other and are good role models for faithful marriage and long-term intimacy. Of course, there are many non-celebrity examples of couples within your own family or neighborhood.

Since we are sexual people from birth to death, sex will undoubtedly continue to burn down some of our houses. But perhaps we can mitigate its more damaging aspects by focusing on good sex education in our homes and schools, and tying sexuality more firmly to feelings, values, and intimacy.

Then, and only then, can we truly enjoy and celebrate its warmth.

Susie Wilson, former executive coordinator of the Network for Family Life Education at Rutgers University's Center for Applied and Professional Psychology (now renamed Answer), is a national leader in the fight for effective sexuality and HIV/AIDS education and for prevention of adolescent pregnancy. She can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .