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BY SUSIE WILSON
NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM.COM
SEX MATTERS
Ironies abound and questions arise when I think of the tragic suicide of Tyler Clementi, the Rutgers University freshman who jumped to his death off the great gray George Washington Bridge on September 22nd. Tyler committed suicide after his roommate, Dharun Ravi, 18, and another classmate, Molly Wei, 18, streamed a video on the Internet of his sexual encounter with another man.
All three of the young people involved in this tragedy called New Jersey home. Their smiling pictures from their respective yearbooks beamed from the front page of my local newspaper. They were the product of our public education system, and all had been accepted to our state university, where their lives intersected.
Together, they represented the future for their generation in many wonderful, positive ways. But in terms of their sexual identity — one young man who was gay and the other two, to the best of our knowledge, heterosexual — a difference loomed that would ensnare them perhaps forever.I have asked myself
Why couldn't they treat each other with respect?
Why did they have to hurt each other so deeply, causing pain and anguish to their families?
Why couldn't the two have realized the consequences of what was, at worse, a malicious, homophobic act or, at least, a humiliating, embarrassing one?
Why couldn't the two foresee that their actions might break the law and potentially cause their lives to be dramatically altered?
What did they learn or not learn at their schools about correct behavior on the Internet and about living with people of a different sexual identity?
What didn't they understand about "voyeurism," and "privacy" in our national culture of celebrity?
When I first read about Tyler and realized he was from Ridgewood, N.J., and a graduate of Ridgewood High School, I reached out to a health teacher I know who taught sex education there for 30 years. She did not teach Tyler, but she told me that the high schhol has a strong Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) that includes kids "of all sexual orientations and identities." She said that every spring students participate in the "Day of Silence" to highlight how lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender people often experience name-calling, bullying, and harassment in their schools.
She also told me that the Ridgewood administration offers small-group discussions to all incoming freshmen about potential abuses via the Internet and cell phones. The emphasis is on the fact that anything someone does might be recorded by someone else. Perhaps that is why Tyler wrote this post on a site's message board: "I mean come on...he was SPYING ON ME...do they see nothing wrong with this?"
Ridgewood is a high school that is "really trying," said my friend.
"We have a strong curriculum. ... Sexual orientation and identity are really discussed in eighth and ninth grades, and many teachers won't tolerate homophobic remarks or behaviors, either within the classroom or in hallways, cafeteria, etc. The administration takes a very supportive role in affirming the worth of every student, and they mean it."
"And yet it was obviously not enough," she added. "That is what is so tragic."
Tyler had attended Ridgewood Public Schools since kindergarten. Superintendent of Schools Daniel Fishbein, Ed.D, wrote that Tyler was "a top student and gifted musician...known in our learning community as a talented, humble, kind and gentle young man who left a positive impression on everyone he met. An advanced musical students since his freshman year...[his] proficiency earned the highest respect from his teachers and fellow students."
Ravi and Wei received the same plaudits from adults who knew them. Ravi, in particular, was a young man of great accomplishment: an academic star, an athlete, a leader among his peers, and, ironically, a technology wizard. One report said that his SAT scores were particularly outstanding, almost perfect. Was his I.Q. (Intelligent Quotient) very high, but was his E.Q. (Emotional Quotient) underdeveloped and immature?
We don't yet know what these three students' parents thought about homosexuality. What did they say around the dinner table about GLBT people? I also wonder about the effect that Congress' failure to rollback "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" and the New Jersey state legislature's defeat of a bill to permit gay marriage had on Tyler and other gay teens.
The Ridgewood schools did their best to offer students a sensible and sensitive education about sexual orientation. West Windsor Plainsboro-High School North, which Ravi and Wei attended, also had a Gay Straight Alliance. But then I read that the administration at the school that Ravi and Wei had attended had permitted "talks of proper Internet use and offered counseling" after the suicide, but ordered that no one mention specifically the Rutgers tragedy. Since two of the school's recent graduates are at the heart of this tragedy, it absolutely amazes me that administrators can be in such denial. I suspect that one reason for the denial is their collective terror at having to talk publicly about sex and sexual orientation.
Actually, the word sexuality was never mentioned in all of the very heartfelt, eloquent comments on the tragedy from officials like Governor Christie, Rutgers President McCormick, and Ridgewood Superintendent of Schools Fishbein. Much was said on our society's need for education about the Internet, privacy, and civility, but nothing about sexuality.
Rutgers announced last month the beginning of its two-year course for students, "Project Civility." The announcement explains that "we will test the hypothesis that a community-wide effort to cultivate small acts of courtesy and compassion in our daily lives will result, over time, in a more charitable campus culture — one marked by an increase in thoughtful communication and a decrease in hostile encounters." This is admirable and important, but nowhere in the explanation of the course did I read anything that concerned what constitutes respectful sexual behavior.
Like it or not, human sexuality is at the heart of the tragedy of Tyler Clementi.
This past Sunday, I sat in the Richardson Auditorium of Princeton University to listen to the first concert of the season. Its centerpiece was a premiere performance of a violin concerto titled "Beautiful Passing." Steven Mackey, a professor of music at the University, wrote the piece in honor of his mother, who died last August.
Mackey said of his piece: "My mother asked me to come for a visit in August saying, ‘Today will be my last day.' She said to me while I sat at her bedside, "I just feel that it's time. Don't be sad. I'm not sad. Please tell everyone I've had a beautiful passing."
The soloist walked onstage carrying her violin. Now 33, she had made her Carnegie Hall debut at 16, obviously an extremely gifted musician.
Tyler Clementi was also a gifted violinist, but his talents died with him. The melodies he played with such ability will never be heard on any stage again, let alone Carnegie Hall.
Tyler's passing was anything but beautiful.
As the violinist drew her bow across the strings, I remembered him.
Susie Wilson, former executive coordinator of the Network for Family Life Education at Rutgers University's Center for Applied and Professional Psychology (now renamed Answer), is a national leader in the fight for effective sexuality and HIV/AIDS education and for prevention of adolescent pregnancy. She can be reached at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
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