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BY PAM LOBLEY

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

COMMENTARY

Gals? Have you heard? You don't need that mammogram until you're fifty! That's right! You've been wasting your time with routine screenings. In fact, you can also skip those pesky, time-consuming self-exams your doctor always talked about. Relax, you're not going to get breast cancer. I mean, you know, you probably won't.

Ditto, apparently, for cervical cancer. We've all been worrying WAY too much about diagnostic tests. So what if your 17- year-old daughter is sexually active? Just wait till she's 21 and THEN test her for cervical cancer. Relax, she's not going to get an STD that will mutate into a dangerous malignancy. I mean, you know, she probably won't.

It took some government appointed advisory boards to let us know that we're just a nation of hypochondriacs. This is so helpful, because, really, I have better things to do than take care of my health. I look forward to some more government-appointed advisory boards telling me what other tests and examinations I can skip.

For instance, do I really need to get my moles checked? Is melanoma that bad? As a matter of fact, I'm going to give up sunscreen. Its eight bucks a bottle, and that adds up. Why should I be spending all that money on preventative stuff?

What about all these EKGs and blood pressure screenings? That pain in my husband's chest is just anxiety, or heartburn. I mean, it probably is. Does he really need a stress test, too? Why don't we just wait and see? Early detection is so overrated.

I could do without teeth cleanings. All that whirring and poking. I never liked it. And my gums are sore afterward. Do I really need a professional to tell me I have a cavity? I'll just wait till I have a toothache.

I'm also ready to give up eye exams. Why do they have to do that dilation thing? I'm not going to get glaucoma. My grandmother had macular degeneration, but I don't have any eye problems. I mean, I probably don't.

Yearly physicals ... really? EVERY year? What about every five years? What could go wrong in five years?

Cutting out all these screenings comes at the perfect time in our country. We're trying to limit healthcare costs, and what better way than to just stop having so many tests? Is it really worth spending that much money testing thousands of people for possible disease? I mean, you're only going to save few lives. That won't affect you – you won't be the one to get cancer. I mean, you probably won't.

Pam Lobley is a columnist and co-author of the book "You Definitely Know You're a Mom When ..."