NOW THAT'S FUNNY
Does Angie have a bump? Does Katie Holmes? Jennifer Lopez, on the cover of a magazine, is definitely sporting a bump.
Bump is the cutie-pie way to describe pregnancy. It's a clever little nickname designed to make impending motherhood seem more like a fashion accessory. It's hip, it's detached, and it emphasizes how skinny women are: they are so skinny that pregnancy appears like a teeny little bloop on their belly.
To me, bump sounds like a bad thing. A bump is something you get on your head from a door. A bump could be a zit on your face. A bump is a rise in the road designed to make you slow down, and we all hate that.
But the worst thing about all these women having a bump is that I don't see a bump when I look at them. Their stomachs look flat to me, yet People Magazine is insisting that there is a bump there. THAT'S what they call a bump?
I have two children: I've been pregnant. Bump doesn't begin to describe it.
I have a bump now, but it's not a pregnancy. It's holiday fat. Lemon bars, bacon, imported cheeses, and my new favorite cocktail, a Manhattan. This is why it's a relief not to be a celebrity. I can overeat without someone thinking I'm going to have a baby.
Obviously, every bump is not a baby. Jennifer Aniston has a bump 3 times a year, and it never turns out to be anything. I feel bad for the gal. She can't even eat a plate of pancakes without the world throwing her a baby shower.
The whole bump thing perfectly sums up the pressures on women today: we need to be constantly procreating or constantly thin. Any other state is somehow a female failure.
Bump watching is now an acknowledged gossip column activity and when you surf the sites you can see everything from Penelope Cruz, looking very pregnant, to Paris Hilton in a bikini looking normal. The women with teeny or no bumps are usually caught unaware by the camera, and look distracted and busy. But the truly pregnant are always staring right into the camera, glowing, thrilled with the idea of maternity. Their smiles seem to be saying, "I'm so happy to be having this baby, but more than that, I'm damn relieved this isn't fat."
Pam Lobley writes the "Now That's Funny" column. Sign up for her mailing list at www.pamlobley.com