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BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Question: My mother, 79, has been having ministrokes, which have affected her balance and ability to walk. My father’s health is ok, but he is getting frailer as he’s been taking care of my mother. I work full-time, so I can’t help out as much as they seem to need. What should we do to make sure my father doesn’t get sick? He wants to do it all.

Answer: Your question is a double-edged sword because there are two caregiver -- your father and yourself. More than 70 percent of caregivers are so stressed out that they end up in hospitals.

• encourage your mother to do as much as possible for herself.
• help your father so he doesn’t overburden himself and become stressed out.
• encourage your father to do only what he can comfortably handle.
• balance their needs with your own other responsibilities so that you
• don’t become over stressed and tired.
• encourage your parents to continue social contact with friends and the activities they enjoy and to develop new friends and interests.
• nurture their now fragile emotions as they lose the ability to take care of themselves and need your help
• bring in appropriate outside help

So, you need to

• step back and evaluate both parents’ needs and capabilities – the ADLs and the IADLs. ADLs are activities of daily living -- dressing, eating toileting, bathing and transferring. IADLs include driving, shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, handling finances, taking medicine properly.
• identify those areas where help is really needed and periodically reevaluate.
• identify help options (e.g. community or private) to provide the ‘needs’ help. Your local Office on Aging, hospital discharge planners, churches and temples, volunteer organizations, senior center and home care agencies are all good sources of help and information.
• get help for chores your father may be uncomfortable doing (such as bathing your mother) or you cannot do because of time factors. If he has difficulty driving, hire someone else to chauffeur them to doctors, supermarkets, the mall, if you or another family member is unavailable.
• get other members of the family to help with specifically identified chores or to visit regularly, taking them out to lunch, dinner or just for a ride.
• identify the little things they’ve always enjoyed and bring more of these things into their life -- flowers, a new CD or DVD, family pictures, telephone calls.

All caregivers, regardless of age, need to take care of themselves and not over burden themselves with trying to do too many chores. All these "little" things add up.

The philosopher Plato gives perhaps the best advice when he said, “More will be accomplished and better and with more ease if every man does what he is best fitted to do, and nothing else.”

The Sandwich Generation is reader interactive and comments and questions are welcome. Contact Carol Abaya via her website www.sandwichgeneration.com or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . She does not respond to comments posted on this site.

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