NOW THAT’S FUNNY
An arrest has been made in the case of a car thief who not only stole from people’s cars, but also made a poop in their back seat.
On October 15, in Carteret, police were called to the scene after two neighbors had both witnessed a suspicious man inside a Hyundai that was parked on Carteret Avenue. They both saw the man exit the vehicle, and leave the scene on a mountain bike.
When the owner of the vehicle came and checked the car, he found that the glove compartment and the center console had both been ransacked, and that there were feces on the back seat.
The witnesses had not known that the man had defecated inside the car. If they had, they may have shouted after him, “Dude! You didn’t even wash your hands!”
Police were able to track down and arrest the poopetrator based on a description from the witnesses. Hadith Caeser, 18, was arrested on charges of theft and harassment. In his defense, he claimed he had just had a big meal at Taco Bell.
There have been at least two other cases of car burglary/defecation in the Carteret area, but it is not clear yet if Mr. Caeser was to blame for those incidents, or if this is a new trend in auto theft.
Here’s what I don’t understand: a theft usually takes place somewhat quickly, right? You need to get in, get your goods, and get out before you get caught. Now, suddenly there’s time to relax with the sports section? What if someone comes along, and you get caught with your pants down, literally? You can’t exactly pack up go … you’re kind of in the middle of something.
Of course, it’s possible the guy does his pooping off site and brings the stool along to leave when he’s done stealing. This is weird, too. He’s peddling along on his mountain bike, looking for an upscale, unlocked car to burglarize, while carrying a bag of poop? What if a lot of cars are locked, and it takes him an hour or so to find a good target? Does he just ride around, trying not to breathe so he doesn’t smell that smell?
Perhaps this guy just has a nervous stomach, and the thrill of the steal gets things moving for him. Maybe he’s been terribly constipated his whole life, and thievery has really turned it around for him. He doesn’t want to steal, it’s just … well … nothing else works.