newjerseynewsroom.com

BY PAM LOBLEY

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

The new season of "Real Housewives of New Jersey" starts this week. They’ve rid themselves of a couple of old housewives and obtained some new housewives — two to be exact. Both of them are Teresa Guidice’s relatives, so I guess the casting department didn’t want to work that hard. I’ve noticed something about the New Jersey Housewives: they’re all Italian.

New Jersey does have a large population of Italian-Americans, and they seem to get on TV a lot. If you watch “Jersey Shore,” “The Sopranos,” “Real Housewives” and other shows, you might think we only let Italians move to New Jersey. If you live here, you know that’s not true, there are many Irish, Latino, Jewish, Asian and African-American families here, just to name a few. I myself am of Swedish descent; a nationality I feel is woefully under-represented on television.

Which brings me to my point — why not get a Swedish wife for the show? Have they not heard of contrast?

I think contrast is what the show desperately needs. All those New Jersey gals are so similar. They need someone to bring a different viewpoint to the show – a different voice.

We all know Swedes are hot, so the Swedish wife could be blonde and curvy. She would not be flashy, though. We Swedes are understated. Swedish wife is not wearing Spandex pants and a sequined off the shoulder number to go to Shoprite. She doesn’t have nail tips and hair extensions and lip liner for school drop off. She’s wearing faded jeans and oxford cloth button down, and she still looks smokin’.

Swedish wife will not sit around talking about all the fancy clothes she bought her kids. This is because she lives within her means. The Swedish character was formed by a cold, hard land surrounded by a roiling sea. You don’t blow hard earned krona when you live in that environment. If the sweater fits, you keep wearing it.

Swedish wife will not have a lot of time for lunch and charity events. This is because she needs to stay home and clean. Swedes are obsessed with cleanliness. She might have a cleaning lady, but she will clean anyway. She will not have a marble foyer with bronze statues: her home décor centers around lots of natural wood, white walls, and lots of sunlight coming in through windows, with very little clutter. Swedes do this on purpose, so that their cleaning efforts are more obvious.

Swedish wife will not be buying outlandish gifts for the baptisms, birthdays and other occasions on the show. Swedes don’t give cash or checks. They will give you a small, tasteful object, probably engraved, that is designed to be placed on your white dresser by a shade-less window so you can tell how polished it is when the sun shines on it. Swedish wife will not squeal at, hug or air kiss the other guests; she will not get into a screaming match with her housewife comrades. Swedes don’t like to draw attention to ourselves. It might interfere with the cleaning. Instead, if she doesn’t approve of someone’s behavior, she will simply harden her face and give off the look. The look is colder than the North Sea and just as deep.

Swedish wife will get a massage every week. We’re big on massage, saunas, loofahs. This is an obvious ratings booster.