I can’t hear you … I’m yelling at my kids!

BY PAM LOBLEY

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

COMMENTARY

Every time I turn around, there are new parenting rules. "Experts" are constantly coming out with more restrictions on the methods I can use to raise my children. We all know that spanking is taboo. Most parents today will say, with pride, that they "made the choice not to spank" their kids. OK. But what DID they do to discipline their children? Chances are, they shouted instead.

Apparently, shouting is the new spanking. We are all screaming at our kids and now the experts and telling us to quiet down. Shouting is rampant, and parents are guilty about it. This is because we parents are guilty about everything. If our kids are not turning out perfect on their own, without any stress or unpleasantness, we assume we must be doing something wrong.

I don't know where we all got the idea that kids could be raised without anger, frustration, disappointment, doubt and guilt. To think that your child can be successfully "redirected" with a few soft words or defined parameters, and that your child will learn his lesson the first time you correct him, is beyond absurd. We shouldn't get mad at ourselves for yelling at the kids. We should be mad at the kids for needing to be yelled at!

Let's take the case of dinner table manners. We have told our boys to put their napkin in their laps, or stop sitting on their feet, or keep their fingers out of their food more than 5,000 times. We have given them the "someday you might dine at The White House" speech. We have given them the "someday you'll be invited to eat at a nice girl's house" speech. We have given them the "if you touch that potato one more time you have no dessert" speech. Still, they can't get it right. When it comes to manners, they are slow learners.

Volume alone is not a problem. We all know that a parent can decimate a child with a few cruel, but softly spoken words. Isn't that worse that shouting "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO GET YOUR SHOES OFF THE SOFA??!!"

In my house we yell for many reasons. One, we are too lazy to walk into the next room, so we just stand still and yell "WHERE IS THE PHONE?" Two, the radio/TV is loud enough that we have to shout to be heard over it, as in, "WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT FOR LUNCH?" Three, somebody is being a jerk and needs to be yelled at, as in, "GET OFF OF YOUR BROTHER'S HEAD NOW!"

When my son leaves all his weekend homework for Sunday evening at 7 p.m. when he is exhausted, and this is the 8th time this fall he has done this, and we have already had several conversations in appropriately dulcet tones about good habits ... do you think I'm going to quietly admonish him for his continuing "poor choices"? No. Sorry. I'll be yelling. Nice and loud. Close the windows so the neighbors can't hear.

Our society has become averse to painful consequences. We want our consequences to be instructive, firm, consistent ... but not painful. As a result, we have raised a bunch of adults who are not afraid to get in trouble. We complain all the time about the lack of accountability in our culture, but it's not just Wall Street people, or politicians ... it's you, too!

Do you drive while holding your cell phone and talking? Of course you do. You know it's illegal, but really, what's going to happen? You'll get a ticket; it'll cost $100. You can afford that.

The consequences just aren't unpleasant enough to be a deterrent. When my kids disobey me outright, or blow off a homework assignment, or swing a lamp at each other, a little "no TV for you today, mister" is not going to cut it. They need to see my veins bulging out as I yell. They need to feel a little bit bad about their actions. If you never feel bad about crossing the line, how do you learn not to cross it?

Maybe you grow up to be Bernie Madoff.

Pam Lobley is a columnist and co-author of the book "You Definitely Know You're a Mom When ..." To read her past columns or get contact information, visit her website: www.pamlobley.com.