newjerseynewsroom.com

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

Question: I have three young, very active sons (under 12) and recently got hooked into taking my mother-in-law to outpatient cancer treatment twice a week. She lives 25 miles from me, and the clinic is another 25 to 30 miles from her house. Depending on the treatment she has to get, my mother-in-law has to be at the clinic anywhere from 3 to 7 hours.

I also have been shopping and cooking for her. While I love my mother-in-law, I'm frazzled. My husband doesn't help at all with the chores nor does he give me emotional support. I need help. After all, it is his mother.

Answer: Readers' problems seem to come in batches, and the daughter-in-law caregiver tops the latest list.

First and foremost, husbands/sons MUST do "chore" tasks or make sure alternative help (other than the wife) is made available. Wife/caregiver burnout is legion. In this case, if the wife breaks down, who will take care of the kids, much less the mother-in-law? This scenario happens every day!

Someone who can drive, clean, cook and shop. I have repeatedly said that a daughter or daughter-in-law or even a spouse does not need to do everything. I think children's responsibility should be to ensure that appropriate help for an elder or sick relative is provided.

Also, in this case, the patient (who seems overly stubborn) needs to accept outside help and the fact the truly loving daughter-in-law cannot continue chauffeuring her twice a week and doing other tasks indefinitely.

Question: My mother-in-law, 78, has had several strokes and should not be alone. My husband is the only child. We both work, have two teenagers, and a very modest house. We can afford live-in help for my mother-in-law in her own home. She refuses. My husband refuses to put his foot down, and I've become the 'bad guy."

Answer: Sons need to take a more active role in caregiving and caregiving planning. It really is unfair to put the burden of handling emotional issues on the daughter-in-law.

One basic problem seems to be that men are more in the "denial" mode when it comes to a parent's illness and physical and mental deterioration. While it is difficult to see a parent decline, men need to be more realistic in accepting aging and its new challenges.

Question: I have two sisters who are wiling to help with my parents' (80s) care. However, my mother only wants me to do everything. I'm caught in the middle.

Answer: Take a vacation. Go out of town. Have your sisters take over — regardless of what your parents say. Your sisters need to be pleasant and "sunny," even if your parents fuss.

You also need to sit down with your parents and tell them what you can do comfortably, given your other responsibilities, and what you now refuse to do.

The Sandwich Generation (R) is an interactive column. Questions from
readers are welcome. You can contact Carol Abaya by visiting her web site
www.sandwichgeneration.com or e-mail her directly at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it <!-- document.write( '</' ); document.write( 'span>' ); //--> .

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