Elder care: Communicating with elderly is often frustrating

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

THE SANDWICH GENERATION

First of a two-article series

Question: My mother, 82, keeps asking me for advice about various things and then completely ignores what I say. I am angry. Remember, she asked. My anger spills over to our basic relationship. How do I get her to do what is best for her and my father, 86?

Answer: While your mother asks for advice, do remember she is struggling to retain her own independence and control. Your strategy can be either of the following — or a combination.

Do not give specific advice to do something or not to do it. Point out all the options, and the pluses and minuses of each option. Then leave the decision to her. If she waivers, ask, "Mom, what do you (emphasize the word you) want to do?"

Then there is no guilt or anger on your part. She may make a bad decision and have to accept the consequences.

If she is really stubborn, you may have to suggest the opposite of what you really think is best. It's called reverse psychology.

There are some people who will do the exact opposite of what someone else recommends to prove that they control their own life.

We had to this with my oldest when she was a teenager. We did it deliberately. To this day, she will do the opposite of what I suggest. All too often she has had to live with negative repercussions.

But the decisions were hers, and she never seems to learn. Needless to say, I cannot feel guilty because they were her decisions. An older person struggling to retain self-esteem may do the exact opposite just to prove he/she still controls.

Question: My father, 78, is a control freak and wants none of us (five siblings) to be involved at all in his life. He yells whenever we attempt to have a meaningful conversation about his finances or health. We're frustrated.

Answer: Keep in mind your father wants to retain control of his life. This is a constant struggle for many as they age. It is doubtful he'll open up until there is a real medical crisis.

However, you might show him my recent columns on legal issues. Tell him that you don't want to have to go to court if he becomes ill or incapacitated. Tell him you want to enable him to be as independent as long as possible. Yet, you want to be able to handle his affairs when that time arrives.

Explain that could happen if you have to go to court and seek guardianship of him.

Question: My mother, 86, gets mad when I suggest something (anything) to make life easier or safer for her. How can I get her to listen?

Answer: You probably can't. My mother (then 90) used to complain I was "going to make her an old lady."

If something in the house is unsafe, get it fixed without her permission. Just do it.

The Sandwich Generation (R) is an interactive column. Questions from
readers are welcome. You can contact Carol Abaya by visiting her web site
www.sandwichgeneration.com or e-mail her directly at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .