newjerseynewsroom.com

BY CAROL ABAYA

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

Second of two parts

Question: My parents (mid 70s) refuse to move from their old farm house in order to be closer to us. There are no family members living near them, and we live 300 miles away. The more we talk, the angrier they get. My mother hung up on me three times in the past week. How can we convince them to move?

Answer: Back off! The more pressure you put on them, the angrier and even more entrenched in their feelings they will get. I can't blame them — for a number of reasons.

First, they are still young, and you mention no illnesses or specific handicaps.

Second, they are apparently mentally competent and have a legal right to do what they want (in this case live where they are).

Fourth, I've been working with young people as a substitute high school teacher and private tutor. As pressure increases from parents to excel in school, kids' attention level and interest in learning decreases. They shut down their brain to anything the parent says. So at both ends of the age spectrum, excessive pressure will only backfire. The more pressure you put on them, the more they will resist you — and when they may really need help in the future they won't seek help from you. Their self-esteem will be at play.

Question: My mother 78, refuses to give up driving. How can we convince her?

Answer: You do not say whether your mother has had any accidents or other problems that might warrant her stopping. Age itself should not be a criteria for stopping driving.

I gave my mother three criteria at which time I would pressure her not to drive. Any one of the three would trigger a no-more-drive scene. As long as she did not have an accident, did not cause an accident, and could find her way home, she could drive. She drove the night before her last hospitalization and death at almost 92. My father drove until he was 88 and voluntarily stopped after having a near accident.

AARP has a refresher course and can evaluate ability. If you think her driving is unsafe, look into this program.

Please remember that driving enables a person, regardless of age, to be independent and come and go as one pleases. It is a huge loss not to be able to drive and can be emotionally damaging.

Question: My parents (mid 70s) have severe vision problems. We want them to make changes in their house to make it safer. They tell us it's theirs and they'll do what they want.

Answer: When safety is involved, I suggest strong action on children's part. Sometimes you do have to take the leadership role and just do things. I had rubber mats put on the stairs to the basement after my mother slid down the bottom steps and also a railing on the outside back steps. My father was furious. I said, "Too bad. I'm paying for them."

Later they both thanked me.

The Sandwich Generation (R) is an interactive column. Questions from readers are welcome. You can contact Carol Abaya by visiting her web site www.sandwichgeneration.com or e-mail her directly at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it <!-- document.write( '</' ); document.write( 'span>' ); //--> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it <!-- document.write( '</' ); document.write( 'span>' ); //--> .

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